Moment of solitude and insomnia

Someone once loved me so much. Someone once felt I was worthy enough of his love and time. Someone once would have done anything for me and did to his greatest extent care for me in his own way. It is strange to reflect on that and try to remember how that felt. To have someone a phone call away, someone who craved your presence and to have joy and pleasure in your smile and laughter. Someone who loved you with passion and someone you could be intimate with. How does it feel to lie in bed with someone in the middle of the night and be content, feeling the warmth of his body and the sweetness of his breath. How does it feel to talk and laugh and share some of life's biggest moments with each other? I do not remember. I know it happened and I know I once felt it. I have flashbacks and photographs and scattered drops of feelings I once felt, but it does not convince me entirely that it was real and that it was true and that it happened or that it happened to me. I do not remember how it feels to be loved, not do i remember feeling like i loved with all my being before.

Time does heal the wounds of the past, the anger and pain. However it also erases and makes you forget the traces of what you considered the happiest times of your life. Time is a double edged sword. It helps you move on, but it also takes away.

goals

I feel like my feelings about life change way too quickly. One moment I'm the most motivated person in the world and the next I just want to hide under a rock forever. I just wanted to consistently feel motivated and accomplished. I applied to my first 8-4 job, and I didn't get it. So adult like is kinda turning out not what I planned. But I know that doesn't mean that's the only job available. I know I'm capable, I know I can achieve greatness. But for now I just need a little dose to get me along the way, something to get me through these weeks.

I'm leaving for Cali in 6 days. I'm excited for some west coast lovin'. I've set up an appointment to meet with a potential grad school there. I'm going to Vegas for a couple days. I guess it's my time to relax for a bit. But what my future is gonna be like still burns in the back of my mind.

Currently I'm setting little goals for myself. Work out everyday (500 calories on the treadmill), check off items on my to-do list, just small things. I'm hoping by doing these things it'll add up to something big.

I just feel so down down down. I should feel accomplished, being a college graduate and having good grades. Yet I know until I can get into grad school, I won't feel like I've accomplished anything.


I just want to feel good and proud of myself.

Makeup: Covergirl 3-in-1 foundation, covergirl powder, l'oreal correcter, nyx concealer, l'oreal voluminous mascara, revlon color stay eye shadow quad, elf blush in candid coral, mac lipstick in modesty, and revlon colorstay liquid eyeliner