California dreamin'

Got back from my Cali/Las Vegas trip about 2 weeks ago. Still in post vacation depression mode. All I know is I belong in San Francisco. I only upload some pictures from my SF trip. I have more from Long Beach/LA and Las Vegas. Just too lazy upload the rest.

Rowboating at Golden Gate Park

My awesome cousin and I at the Golden Gate Bridge! So lucky to have such a great family. 

My cousin, me and her baby Kate on top of Twin Peaks

Walking from my cousin's apartment to Osha on her birthday. The Bay Bridge is way prettier at night. 

Golden Gate view from Coit Tower

Twin Peaks! City on side and mountains on the other. Amazing view. 

Yerba Buena 

LOL Kuya Carl and I at Land's End

Panorama of Land's End off trail view 

Kuya Carl, Kate, and I at Chinatown 

Moment of solitude and insomnia

Someone once loved me so much. Someone once felt I was worthy enough of his love and time. Someone once would have done anything for me and did to his greatest extent care for me in his own way. It is strange to reflect on that and try to remember how that felt. To have someone a phone call away, someone who craved your presence and to have joy and pleasure in your smile and laughter. Someone who loved you with passion and someone you could be intimate with. How does it feel to lie in bed with someone in the middle of the night and be content, feeling the warmth of his body and the sweetness of his breath. How does it feel to talk and laugh and share some of life's biggest moments with each other? I do not remember. I know it happened and I know I once felt it. I have flashbacks and photographs and scattered drops of feelings I once felt, but it does not convince me entirely that it was real and that it was true and that it happened or that it happened to me. I do not remember how it feels to be loved, not do i remember feeling like i loved with all my being before.

Time does heal the wounds of the past, the anger and pain. However it also erases and makes you forget the traces of what you considered the happiest times of your life. Time is a double edged sword. It helps you move on, but it also takes away.

goals

I feel like my feelings about life change way too quickly. One moment I'm the most motivated person in the world and the next I just want to hide under a rock forever. I just wanted to consistently feel motivated and accomplished. I applied to my first 8-4 job, and I didn't get it. So adult like is kinda turning out not what I planned. But I know that doesn't mean that's the only job available. I know I'm capable, I know I can achieve greatness. But for now I just need a little dose to get me along the way, something to get me through these weeks.

I'm leaving for Cali in 6 days. I'm excited for some west coast lovin'. I've set up an appointment to meet with a potential grad school there. I'm going to Vegas for a couple days. I guess it's my time to relax for a bit. But what my future is gonna be like still burns in the back of my mind.

Currently I'm setting little goals for myself. Work out everyday (500 calories on the treadmill), check off items on my to-do list, just small things. I'm hoping by doing these things it'll add up to something big.

I just feel so down down down. I should feel accomplished, being a college graduate and having good grades. Yet I know until I can get into grad school, I won't feel like I've accomplished anything.


I just want to feel good and proud of myself.

Makeup: Covergirl 3-in-1 foundation, covergirl powder, l'oreal correcter, nyx concealer, l'oreal voluminous mascara, revlon color stay eye shadow quad, elf blush in candid coral, mac lipstick in modesty, and revlon colorstay liquid eyeliner

resomber

Updates ... I guess. I graduated college. I feel weird about that. I just have no idea what to do now. I am preparing for grad school apps for next fall, but in the meantime I feel like people already expect me to have my life figured out. I am far from that. I hate that pressure, that you already need to have a set plan and idk, I just need time. I'm 22 and there's still so much for me to experience and learn about.

I just never want to stop growing, learning, experiencing, and exploring. 

Chicago diner

Collective favorites- Chicago at dusk series

My mom and I 

Graduation!

Graduation 

my grad dress

Emily bird

LOL 

Itching on a photograph

Some photos from my phone. Figured I'd at least post them somewhere.

Also I thought I'd share this but all photos are taken by me unless otherwise noted.

Makeup obsessed

I've been watching a lot of YouTube gurus for the past several months and fallen into the urge to buy and try a bunch of makeup! It's a super expensive obsession, but it's so girly and I love learning and getting better at enhancing my features. Recently bought some Tarte products and an Urban Decay all nighter spray. Been loving the Tarte cheek tint! It's sheer and super flattering, giving you a natural glow to your cheeks.

chased your love like a figure 8

School wears me out, all I really have time for now a days is instagram and the mass load of photos on my iphone. I swear once graduation (yikes, 4 years of college flew by!) is over it'll be summer and I'll have time to take out my Canon <3

My most recent selfie

From Friday night, driving in Chicago like the old days 

Mr. Blue Sky

School selfie 

Dinner with the fam 

Library windows 

Acid-base titrations in chem lab

from last month, my birthday in Boystown 

my birthday in boystown 

I like Pablo Neruda. 

Thinking about how depressed I am makes me even more depressed. Funny how life works.

Here's a happy memory at Michelle's house laying on her kitchen floor with Buddy.

I feel the heat, I see the light

Went on a quickie photo adventure today, and I want to go back out and do it again tomorrow. My plan for the next couple weeks : finalize grad school apps, work out, and take photos!

Photos I liked but am not sure about 

I think I'm going to re-do this photo. My face is just too overexposed and I had to crouch down uncomfortably for this shot but I really like how my hair looks tangled in with the branches, kinda reminds me of Medusa.